INTJS are a rare type, and they’re more often thought of in connection with taking over the world then in relationships in many MBTI circles. But INTJs seek long term, happy relationships the same as any other personality type. They just do it a little differently than most people.
Romantic Relationship Expectations
Despite their overly rational nature, INTJs are also idealistic perfectionists. This can be a major problem when it comes to relationships. An INTJ will go into a new relationship with a clear fantasy of how the relationship will be, and will become bitterly disappointed when that fantasy is shattered. But real life isn’t a story, and no one is perfect. This will often lead to the INTJ being disappointed again and again until they realize that it’s their own expectations that are causing their pain. INTJs need to learn to ease up on the people around them, and on themselves, and to accept that nothing and nobody can ever be perfect.
As a running theme, INTJs aren’t very good with emotions. They don’t trust them or like them, and won’t have a lot of patience with a partner who has emotional outbursts on a regular basis. In fact, they’ll probably just walk away if this happens too often. INTJs also don’t have too many emotional needs in a relationship. They don’t see the point of emotional support or validation most of the time, and so will struggle to give it as well. This can leave their partner feeling very abandoned and unloved, when the INTJ really just has no idea of how to help. INTJs are more likely to show their affection through spending quality time with their partner or doing things for them. Overly emotional displays just aren’t on their radar.
Meeting Potential Partners
INTJs are probably the most solitary of the personality types. They just don’t have a lot of the social needs of other types and they need a lot of alone time, even more than other introverts. This can result in INTJs becoming very isolated. Even if they think otherwise at some points in their lives, INTJs do still need social contact. It’s just that they often find it difficult to balance their need for contact with their need to be alone.
This combination can make it difficult for INTJs to meet potential partners. They usually hate parties and other crowded social gatherings, couldn’t think of anything worse than a blind date situation, and tend to spend their nights alone and recovering from the social interactions of the day. INTJs are much more likely to meet a potential partner through the course of their work, which allows them ample time to get to know the other person and assess them as a potential partner.
INTJs in the Honeymoon Stage
For INTJs, the honeymoon stage should probably be called the testing stage. INTJs are not as emotional as other types and are unlikely to get swept away by the rush and emotion of this part of a relationship. Instead, they’re likely to spend it evaluating and testing the other person. INTJs don’t trust others easily, and anyone who wants to get close to them must be rigorously tested to make sure they’re worth that trust. An INTJ will also spend this time evaluating the new connection, making sure it meets all the needs and wants they have for their relationship. And if it doesn’t, the relationship will probably meet a quick and sad end.
Moving on from the Honeymoon Stage
Once the INTJs relationship moves on from the honeymoon stage, it will actually get smoother. INTJs tend to make an intensive study of the people around them. They notice moods, twitches of expression and reactions to stimuli and carefully put that data into their internal files about that person. All of this information creates patterns about that person that they can use to predict future behaviors, reactions and needs. That all might sound a little strange, but it’s what introverted intuition does best, and INTJs lead with that function.
Over time, INTJs who have learned to be good at this natural skill will find that they can predict almost everything their partner does and wants. This can make them very good at meeting the other person’s needs in the relationship, and can make for a fairly smooth time together. Of course, this process isn’t foolproof, and there will be times when the INTJ is distracted or just plain wrong, but generally their intensive study of their partner will help them to keep their relationship stable and happy.
One area in which INTJs will always have trouble is the emotional component of relationships. INTJs just aren’t good with emotions, either their own or other people’s, and have no real interest in getting good with them. They’re more likely to look at emotions with a rational eye, to pick them apart so they lose their power and weight. This might help the INTJ keep control of their emotional states most of the time, which they prefer, but it can seem cold to other types and even hurtful.
The INTJs Perfect Partners
INTJs almost always pair up with another intuitive type. This personality type needs intuitive conversation even more than most of the other personality types that use an intuitive function and learning style. Without this shared intuitive function, whether it be introverted or extraverted intuition, the INTJ can’t have the deep conversations that they use to bond and to understand their partner. And INTJs have a lot of trouble feeling connected without these types of exchanges.
INTJs also work well with both thinking and feeling types. With thinking types, people who use extraverted or introverted thinking as a dominant or auxiliary, the INTJ shares a similarity of thought that makes their exchanges easy and straightforward. And the shared discomfort with emotions can also be comforting. However, pairing with a feeler type can be very beneficial for an INTJ. People who use introverted or extraverted feeling as a dominant or auxiliary can teach INTJs a lot and make them better partners and better people in the long term. And isn’t this what the best relationships do?
When INTJs are ready for a long term relationship they go about it in a systematic, organized way that reflects the way they do everything. This measured, reasoned approach may seem a little cold to other types, but to the INTJ it makes sense. After all, if you don’t know what you really want, how are you going to get it? In a relationship, INTJs are loyal partners who work to keep the relationship happy and their partner happy with the same organized calm, and this can bring them very healthy, solid relationships that are designed to fulfil all of their needs.
- Dr. Drenth A. J. “Introverted Intuition (Ni)“. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- “Introverted Intuition vs Extraverted Intuition (podcast)“. Sep 8, 2014. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- “INTJ – The Mastermind“.