Sometimes called the rarest of the personality types, the INFJ longs for the deep, intense connection of the perfect relationship. Their natural idealism often focuses itself on this idea, on the comfort and support that will come when they find that perfect person. This can be a barrier to actually achieving a good relationship, but it also gives them something to strive for and something to hope for. And this pushes them to work harder so they can find and create the relationship of their dreams.
Romantic Relationship Expectations
Because INFJs are looking for the perfect relationship, they don’t like to mess around. Anyone who’s casual about relationships or doesn’t know what they’re looking for will be left behind in the INFJs quest to find what they’re looking for. INFJs want depth in everything, including their relationships, and they expect their partner to be able to match the natural depth of the INFJ personality. They create this depth by spending a lot of time with their partner, getting to know the deepest parts of their heart and soul and showing their own in return. This is how INFJs show their interest and their love. And once they find the person they believe can match them, the INFJ will work to foster a connection and honesty in their relationship that few other personality types will be able to match.
Once in a relationship, INFJs expect everything. They’re looking for a soulmate, a perfect connection of hearts and souls and minds. The process towards this is slow, but the INFJ is content to wait and accept that it will happen when it’s meant to. And they won’t be pushed faster than they’re comfortable with either, INFJs may be gentle, but they’re definitely no pushovers. Ultimately, INFJs expect their partners to crave the same deep relationship they want and be willing to wait and work for it. And is this such a big ask? Few relationships are as deep as those with an INFJ, so they’re really worth waiting for and working towards.
Meeting Potential Partners
Despite their naturally quiet, often solitary nature, INFJs are surprisingly popular. People love to be around them because they’re empathetic and so tuned in to emotion that they can almost sense them in the air. 1 Other people seek out INFJs because they feel good when they’re around them. So when INFJs do leave their home to socialize, which probably won’t be because of a big party or any other crowded social interaction, they’ll usually find themselves inundated by potential partners. This suits the INFJ fine. They prefer to sit back and observe and have others come to them rather than make the first move themselves. They learn a lot more through observing other people than they ever would from assertively asking them questions anyway.
INFJs in the Honeymoon Stage
INFJs take time. They take time to get to know people, to open up their own heart and mind, and they take time to decide if they really want a relationship with someone. This isn’t a bad thing. This natural caution is necessary if the INFJ is going to protect their gentle, empathetic heart. INFJs are also very certain of what they want and don’t want in relationships. They want a depth of connection and honesty and authenticity, and they know that not everyone can give them that. So during the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, the INFJ will be testing for these qualities, for the potential of them. And if they don’t find any potential, they’ll know that the relationship isn’t worth the time and the effort the INFJ would put into it.
Moving on from the Honeymoon Stage
Once their relationship is stable, the INFJ will flourish. They’re naturally at ease with their emotions and so will express their feelings openly, and expect the same in return. This can create the type of relationship that many people only dream about, honest and real and so connected that it reaches an almost spiritual level. This is the type of relationships that INFJs crave, and offer and though it might seem scary or even cloying for some personality types, others will find it absolutely amazing.
The INFJ needs to be careful in all of their relationships. Their natural idealism and empathy can cause them to idealize their relationships, to see potential or good in them that just isn’t there. This can cause them to enter a relationship in the belief they can save another person, or to stay in a relationship even when they’re being taken advantage of in some way. Damaged and unhealthy types are naturally drawn to the INFJ because of their strength and warmth, and getting into a relationship with someone like this will do incredible harm to the INFJ’s gentle heart. So no matter how much they crave that perfect relationship, they have to make sure they’re not creating it out of nothing and connecting themselves to someone who is just using them for support and giving nothing in return.
The INFJs Perfect Partners
INFJs usually need their partners to have an intuitive function to feel connected to them. 2 This personality type likes having deep conversations more than anything else in the world. They love to talk and share for hours, slowly glimpsing their partner’s heart and soul and revealing their own. But this can be difficult if their partner doesn’t have an intuitive function and doesn’t share their love of deep, abstract, speculative conversations. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible for an INFJ and a sensing type to have a relationship of course, any two personality types can make it work, but sharing an intuitive function allows for easier communication and understanding. And that’s particularly important when it comes to INFJs, who are looking for a deeper connection than most.
INFJs crave the perfect, story book relationship, and very often they create it too. Despite their idealism, they’re practical enough to understand the amount of work that needs to go in to creating a relationship like that. And because of their emotional intelligence, they know the end result they crave is well worth the time and the work it will require. Which is why they often get what they want.
- Arabi Shahida. “5 Ways To Stay Strong As An INFJ Empath“. Jul 27, 2016. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- Storm Susan. “ENFJs, INFJs and Empathy Burnout“. Dec 26, 2016. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- Dodge Antonia. “How are “Sensors” and “Intuitives” Different?“. Sep 15, 2011. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- “INFJ – The Counselor“.
- This emotional intelligence comes from their dominant and auxiliary function. These two functions, working in tandem, allow them to sense others emotions and also to perspective shift to see things from the other person’s point of view. And people who can do this often have enough empathy and emotional intelligence to make them seem almost magical.
- This refers to individuals that have introverted or extraverted intuition in the dominant or auxiliary position. It’s expressed through the letter ‘N’ in the second position of the four letter designation. Only about 25% of the population use an intuitive function, so people who do often find themselves misunderstood by the people around them or unable to get their unique needs met.