ESFJs are naturally warm and loving and focus easily on their romantic partners to create great relationships. They’re naturals at understanding how to make relationships work and how to make their partners happy, and often gladly spend their time supporting their romantic partner in their life goals and pursuits. The ESFJ really shines in romantic relationships, and it’s in this area of life that their true genius makes itself known.
Romantic Relationships Expectations
ESFJs go into relationships looking for something long term. They don’t play around on their partners and expect the same in return. So any type who prefers casual relationships find themselves quickly left behind by the determined ESFJ. ESFJs take dating and relationships seriously at every stage, and screen potential partners closely before deciding if they’re a good relationship risk. ESFJs are looking for the kind of security, support and warmth that they offer in return, and will move on if they can’t find these qualities with a partner.
And once in a relationship, ESFJs are incredibly warm and supportive. They have an incredible amount of emotional intelligence, which is focused on getting needs met in the external world. Their dominant function, extraverted feeling, allows them to do this to a near genius level. This means they often instinctively understand and adapt to the love language of their partner and will work hard to give them love in the way they need. ESFJs will also expect this in return, and because they’re so open and demonstrative, usually need their partner to express their emotions verbally as well as through physical contact and acts of service.
Meeting Potential Partners
To ESFJs, looking for a partner is serious business. Because of their natural warmth, they draw people to them from all walks of life and will usually have a variety of options when they look for a potential partner. ESFJs are also confident and really social, so they often find their partners in all different types of situations and social settings, from parties to blind dates. This openness naturally gives them a really good chance of finding what they’re looking for in a romantic partner.
ESFJs in the Honeymoon Phase
ESFJs use the honeymoon period of a new relationship to both test their partner for compatibility and to prove their own suitability as a partner. This is serious business to them, and during the dating stage they will work hard to show they can meet the needs of their partner and make sure their partner can do the same for them. The ESFJ has strong emotional needs, so this will often be the focus of their search, and people who can’t meet these needs aren’t suitable for this type.
ESFJs can have trouble in this stage of a relationship. Their instinct to care for others is incredibly powerful, and it can drive them to focus on the needs of their partner above their own. This is a common problem for most ESFJs, and can lead to severe burnout. If an ESFJ doesn’t find a partner that takes care of them in return, and reminds them to look after themselves, they’ll suffer emotionally, mentally and even physically. That’s why they need to screen potential partners very carefully for this kind of support and care before they get too involved with them.
Moving Past the Honeymoon Phase
In a long term relationship ESFJs can be perfect partners. Their natural warmth and empathy means they work towards their partner’s goals and also focus on keeping their relationship happy and successful. The ESFJs practical nature usually makes them happy to take over the running of the household or handle financial matters, and ESFJs usually see this kind of work as essential to keeping a happy home and relationships. Whatever their relationship or partner needs, the ESFJ is happy to provide it if they can.
But this can be a problem for ESFJs in relationships too. Their need to please and keep other people happy can cause them to avoid conflict, pushing it under the rug until it explodes. It can also lead the ESFJ down some dark paths, with types who take advantage of their good nature and need to help other people. ESFJs need to make sure they have a good level of maturity and are in a healthy place within themselves before they go looking for a relationship. Otherwise there is a very good chance that they will end up in a destructive and damaging relationship.
The ESFJs Perfect Partners
ESFJs usually prefer to be in relationships with other feelers, particularly those who use introverted feeling as a dominant or auxiliary. This shared feeling function allows both parties to understand the criteria the other uses to make decisions, 1 and also to sense when their partner is upset and needs emotional support. Because feeler types tend to need more emotional support than thinker types, though this doesn’t apply to all situations or all people of course, they’re often best paired with partners who can understand and meet these needs without too much trouble. This natural sensitivity and intense focus on emotional content means that ESFPs are often too sensitive for thinking types, and find them difficult to understand and relate to. 2
ESFJs crave having a deep and secure romantic relationship in their lives. They’re naturally in tune with emotions, so this desire often dictates many of their choices and actions. They naturally thrive in good relationships, because they have someone they can focus all of their incredible emotional intelligence on. ESFJs are also instinctively driven to help other people achieve their goals and enjoy their life, and having one person to focus on for this purpose gives them a lot of satisfaction. For the right person, who won’t take advantage of these natural tendencies and will care for the ESFJs in return, this type can make an incredibly supportive and loving partner.
- 1. “Dr. Gary Chapman Explains The 5 Love Languages“. Apr 23, 2013. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- Moodie Kirsten “What Causes Each Personality Type To Burn Out“. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- Storm Susan. “What Type of Feeler Are You? The Difference Between Extraverted and Introverted Feeling“. Aug 24, 2015. (Retrieved Jan 2018).
- “ESFJ – The Caregiver“.
- When a personality type uses a feeling function as their dominant or auxiliary it means they make decisions with that function and based on the information that function finds most interesting. For feelers, this means they’re far more likely to make decisions based on emotional content, although obviously there can be logical or rational calculations involved as well.
- Thinking types are people who use extraverted or introverted thinking as a dominant or auxiliary. They make decisions based on a rational basis, and can struggle understanding personality types like the ESFJ who uses emotion in such an open and obvious way.